𝗛𝗢𝗪 𝗜 𝗙𝗜𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗟𝗬 𝗕𝗥𝗢𝗞𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗧𝗥𝗔𝗨𝗠𝗔 𝗟𝗢𝗢𝗣 & 𝗖𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗧𝗘𝗗 𝗠𝗬 𝗗𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗠 𝗥𝗘𝗟𝗔𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗣

Being in a relationship used to be a very anxious experience for me. I was full of insecurities & always had an underlying worry that my partner might change their mind about being with me.

Any pause in our communication created a surge of fear for me. Had I said something to upset them? Maybe they had gone off me? What if they’d met someone else?

I needed constant reassurance that I was loved.

This is known as 𝘼𝙣𝙭𝙞𝙤𝙪𝙨 𝘼𝙩𝙩𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 & is categorised by feeling anxious & needing your partner close whenever you experience relationship stress.

The opposite of this is 𝘼𝙫𝙤𝙞𝙙𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝘼𝙩𝙩𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 — categorised by wanting to take space & avoiding intimacy whenever you experience relationship stress.

Both styles showcase unresolved childhood trauma & create challenges in relationships, although many of us live quite comfortably tolerating these behaviours.

For me, the experience of my attachment wounding wasn’t comfortable — it was torture.

Unaware of the different attachment styles, I would unwittingly choose avoidant partners. This meant, when stress arose in our relationship, I would need closeness & my partner would need space. A recipe for disaster!

𝗜 𝗯𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝘁𝗿𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗢𝗞 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘀𝗽𝗮𝗰𝗲, 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗰𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀.

A lot of shadow was hiding that kept alive this destructive pattern.

Shadow #1: I thought I would only be “good enough” when I had healed my fear of being abandoned.

Shadow #2: I thought if I loved someone enough, I could change their avoidant behaviour.

Shadow #3: I found other anxious attachers too intense & overwhelming, so I rejected them & labelled them “needy”.

Shadow #4: I found the chase of dating an avoidant attacher appealing because I desperately wanted them to choose me.

This created a trauma loop that kept me choosing incompatible partners over & over again.

𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗡 𝗜 𝗠𝗔𝗗𝗘 𝗔 𝗟𝗜𝗙𝗘-𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗡𝗚𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗗𝗘𝗖𝗜𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡

One day, hurting once more & again feeling abandoned, I suddenly saw a different perspective.

𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙛 𝙄 𝙫𝙖𝙡𝙪𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙮𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛 𝙚𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙩𝙤 𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙖 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙣𝙚𝙧 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣’𝙩 𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙖𝙗𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙙?

What if, rather than constantly challenging myself to feel OK with this traumatic experience, I could love myself enough & choose partners that didn’t trigger me in this way?

And here was born my first dating standard: partners that stay in connection even (& especially) when things get tough.

As I started to recognise what I needed in a relationship to show up as my best self, I started to define the standards I wanted in a partner.

I chose to love myself enough to create my dream relationship.

A relationship that meets the standards I need to no longer attach to my partners in an anxious way. Instead, I began to develop Secure Attachments to my partners.

𝙎𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙧𝙚 𝘼𝙩𝙩𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 is the ability to maintain a healthy balance of closeness & personal space in the relationship. It indicates someone can remain in connection even during relationship stress & they’re sufficiently anchored in their self worth to not attach anxiously.

As I started to value my needs more, my confidence in relationships grew. I was no longer a mass of insecurities & fearing abandonment, I finally knew that I was good enough & that my partner would stay.

𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗶𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗲, 𝗜 𝗸𝗻𝗲𝘄 𝗜 𝘃𝗮𝗹𝘂𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗲𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗲 — 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙚.

Now I’m in a relationship with the most amazing person. We both show up with Secure Attachment. Our value is deeply rooted in our own self worth & we are fully aware of the amazing, unique gifts we each bring to our connection. We both know that we are worthy of each other’s brilliance & commitment. Our communication is easeful & we work through challenges with love & maturity.

Through valuing myself, recognising my needs & identify a partner that could truly meet them, I have absolutely created my dream relationship.

If you’re ready to finally make your ideal relationship a reality, click my bio for ways to work with me.